In these times we are facing a great divide, a parting of the ways, of the worlds, with friends, parents, siblings. Many who we thought we knew we are shocked to learn have chosen the other path. I faced this with parents and siblings, and grieved. But for my youngest child my grief was unleashed like the ocean, persistently crashing on the shore.
The news left me numb, feeling as though I had lost my child. I did not know how to speak with him. I did not know how to be around him. For a night and a day I did not speak. It was stuck. I knew I had to break through and allow the grief out.
It was then that I remembered the song.
It had arrived the week before when an old friend told me of the loss of her child to mental illness. As the song came through I thought of my friend, I thought of her daughter. And then I had that knowing that it was also for me. A grief began escaping from my body as I wailed this wordless lament. But it was too soon to believe what I sensed was coming, and I pushed the knowing away.
But now the understanding was undeniable.
I shared my grief and the quick recording I had made of the song the week before with a close friend. She suggested that I complete it.
I took her advice and let my grief pour into the song as I recorded the layers.
When it was done, I shared the song with my son. It helped my emotions flow, and created a bridge between us that was much needed.
There is no peace around his choice, only around knowing there is nothing I could have done to change it. He is here to make this choice just as much as I am here to make the choice I have made. I will never be okay with the path he is taking. And I am okay with that.
For the Loss of our Children is a wordless lament. May it help your grief flow as you move through these incredible times.